One of the biggest challenges we have in life is association with “our story”. Each human being is unique and the reason for this uniqueness is that we are moulded by the sum of our learned experiences. No two human beings ever have the same experience even when sharing the same moment. Why? Because we interpret each moment based on those previous experiences. It is our filter on reality and the reason why people can see the same thing and feel exactly the opposite to each other.
But there is a problem. We are rarely right about anything because everything is interpreted via “our story”. And our story is a work of fiction created by the mind as it attempts to make sense of what is going on. Further the minds primary function is to keep us safe and it sees danger in everything. This causes us to build our own mental cage which, if left unaddressed, imprisons us for life. It causes us to lose sight of what we really are and who we really are. Because, we are not our mind, we are the one who is watching our mind.
The exercise below which was created by Dr Stephen Hayes and his team allows us to start removing the bars of our cage in an effortless and painless way. It’s purpose is to undermine our attachment to the stories we tell about ourselves and to see them for what they are. Simply untrue.
Take a sheet of paper and write on three separate lines
I am …………………………
I am …………………………
I am …………………………
Then write down two of your top personal attributes e.g. I am curious, I am loving, I am confident etc.
Then for the third one write something that is negative e.g. I am fearful, I am a coward, I am a failure.
Starting with the first one ask yourself is it true? Can you be absolutely certain it is true 100% of the time. Everywhere? All of the time? In every situation?
Then do the same with the next statement and finally the third. Whatever you may have answered you can never be 100% certain of anything in life and if you examine you past closely enough you will always be able to find examples where such sweeping generalisations about our attributes do not apply.
How many of these statements can you turn into a comparison? Give it a try. Can you add “er” to any of the statements or the word “more” in between e.g. I am more curious.
This draws to attention “our story” and how we compare ourselves to others. I am smarter than others. I am dumber than others. There is always a danger in comparisons because it separates us from others. In reality there is no separation but I’ll leave that for another article. By thinking of ourselves as separate and apart from others we cage ourselves in isolation and aloneness.
If we believe the statements we can say we are fused with them. What do I mean? Well, at the end of each statement add the phrase “, or not.” e.g. I am curious, or not, I am fearful, or not etc. Now read each of those sentences slowly and notice what the mind is saying about them. Do you sense you have more options about how you think about yourself? What we are doing here is bringing attention to our story with absolute clarity so that we can refuse to accept one version of events over another.
This opens us up to consider the question “Who would we be without our story and the defensiveness we use to justify it to ourselves and others? If you woke up one day and all sentences ended “or not” would you still be you? If you mind answers “No way” take a moment to notice who is noticing the minds response. Is that “you” something other than the “you” ? That which notices what is really going on and sits behind the mind?
Now circle the two words repeated three times “I am” and consider them. What if the sense of self we seek can be found behind those two words. Our fictitious stories of our lives, created by mind, cause us to lose sight of our natural state of being. Just being.
Becoming aware of how our story changes simply based by what is unfolding in front of us is extremely powerful. It helps us stay connected to who we really are and at any moment to choose how we want to be. It opens the door to the endless possibilities and the hundreds of different choices available to us in any given moment. Who would you be without that content? Or better yet, who would you be without that thought. Pause to consider the answer for as long as it takes to recognise that without negatives thought we would be unlimited in our potential.
Lets rewrite each of those statements as follows e.g. I think of myself as curious, I think of myself as optimistic, I think of myself as loving.
Finally lets qualify each statement. Describe the situation in which you think or feel that way, including how your own behaviour is involved. E.g. When (the situation) and I (your behaviour) then (how you think or feel).
For example:
When I think I have spoken to myself in a negative way I get curious about it which opens me up to a greater understanding of my true nature.
When I think I have had a bad day because I have made mistakes I wake up optimistic the following day feeling I have learned something that will stand me in good stead in the future.
When I doubt myself and feel everyone is better than me I recognise that this isn’t really true and it is an opportunity to grow as a person.
As a form of self description this is much more helpful. It enables us to recognise how we are behaving and how we would choose to behave without the attachment to our story. This opens us up to making different choices. With this awareness we can choose to respond as the authentic person we really are and break free of the limits “our story” imposes on us.
Practice this exercise whenever you recognise a self judgement. If you do you will become increasingly aware that “the story of me” is stopping you from realising your unlimited potential. It opens the door to a world of new choice and possibility and connects you to your “real self”. The one behind the fairy tale of your story.